Fraught conversations with people who do not feel safe is something we all have experienced since childhood. In order to protect ourselves, we prepare to be verbally savaged. We stay awake at night planning retorts or revenge. Having a skillful verbal retort gets us some space to think and creates a momentary protective shield. Wait, is that just me?
Assuming we survive childhood, we take these hard won skills into the workforce and into life. It becomes our go-to strategy when a conversation begins to feel unsafe. Whether the other party intends it to go there, we take it there. Did we just up the ante unnecessarily?
I’ve been playing with a construct that has increased my mental agility to reframe my thinking when a conversation begins to get charged, or I start to get wary- assume positive intent. This takes some doing.
1 Slow myself down mentally. Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t even assume that my interpretation right now is fact. Just breathe and listen. Stay open.
2. Ask for clarification. Tell me more. Breathe.
3. Test my assumption/ interpretation by repeating back what I heard and asking if that is what they meant.
4. State how I am feeling in the moment. Maybe, I am feeling attacked. Maybe, I need to take a break and discuss this more later when I have time to think about their comments. Can I ask for what I need in this moment?
Assuming positive intent requires me to believe I am strong enough to hear the opinion of another without needing to prove them wrong. I am strong enough to hear tough feedback. It is their interpretation. It is not “the truth”. Just as my interpretation is not “the truth”.
Whew, this is hard work.
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