All of us have had the experience of meeting someone that we don’t like and not being able to explain exactly why we feel that way. In the U.S., we feel uneasy if the person doesn’t look you in the eyes, or speaks at you rather than to you. They speak too loudly or so softly that you have to get very close to hear them. It doesn’t fit our cultural context. We often just back away.
Consider the reverse: when someone smiles and seems interested in us, asks questions about our work, our families or our lives, we feel positive towards them. When their body language is appropriate to what they are saying we get a positive feeling.
Ralph Waldo Emerson is credited with the quote: “What you are speaks so loud I cannot hear what you say.” It is our radar, we look for patterns that match. When words and posturing don’t match, we go with body language.
How does that make a difference in the workplace? We perceive authenticity through our senses. We “sniff out” liars. We “see” what you are saying. We “hear ya brother” when we agree. We name “smooth talking” when we sense we are being sold a line of goods.
For most of us, we truly want our outside to match our inside. We want to be authentic. We may have very positive feeling towards the person we are engaged with and stare intensely, maybe even scowl as we try to understand their meaning. They may see us as scary or too intense. Do we know how we are perceived? Not likely.
How do you get your outside to match your inside? Feedback, baby. Yes, it is hard to hear it. It may be even harder to be videotaped and see how you look to the outside. If you really want to be a better communicator, you have to do the work.
Here is a test. Turn the sound off and watch a television show. Can you tell what is going on without sound? Most often the answer is yes. Then, record yourself with your phone. Not voice, video. Look at how you communicate. If your outside isn’t matching your inside, or doesn’t match your intention, start working on it. Some of us have to up our intensity. Others have to quiet ourselves down.
It won’t feel comfortable because it isn’t how we have always done it. That doesn’t mean it is fake. It means that our natural style isn’t as successful as we thought. What can you do this week to make it match?
Illustration courtesy of http://www.bevhepting.co.uk/structure/