Empathy is defined as “recognizing, understanding, and appreciating how other people feel. Empathy involves being able to articulate your understanding of another’s perspective, and behaving in a way that respects others’ feelings.” – from the MHS EQ-i 2.0 Model of Emotional Intelligence. Whoa, that is truly in short supply these days. Hating your neighbor and shutting down free speech and freedom of expression is having a big moment. How do we show more empathy in the small part of the world we can control?
There can be great value in assuming good intent. What if we start from there? Let the other person prove us wrong if their intent is not good…instead of assuming they have bad intent. Perhaps we can create mutual good intent as we slowly talk through the possible points of agreement. Perhaps the first few questions are around that about which we can agree. Can I understand, can I appreciate, can I recognize that you feel that way?
An interesting misbelief around empathy is that you must care, condone or cave to other’s feelings. NOT true according to EI models. To behave in a way that respects their feelings is not to condone them. Sometimes helping a person put a name to their feelings is a great gift. Emotions have meanings. You may think someone is super angry when truly the emotion is fear. By asking more questions respectfully, you may be able together to discover they feel very threatened. And, when you go deeper as to what happened and the meaning they placed on the data they observed, you can work through the fear. A solution may present itself.
This can take a lot of work. We get better at it the more we practice. May I suggest that you start with someone you care about in a conversation that is going south. Describe the way it appears to you or how you are feeling. Everyone has a right to their feelings. That doesn’t mean they can impose them on you or that because they are louder that they have more rights. You have a right to your feelings too. I remember telling my 3 year old that she was yelling at me so loud I couldn’t hear what she was saying. Then I put her in time out. I don’t suggest you do this with adults. Moreover, my daughter recently told me that parents of her generation handle this much better than I did.
Emotional Intelligence is a skill we all can get better at. If you know you are low in one skill, the universe will give you many opportunities to get better at it. Count on it!
If you don’t think Vistage peer groups get value at every meeting-from the speakers, the conversations and the input from your peers, don’t click here.