When you are in a leadership role, have you noticed the difference between using “you” words and using “I” words in your speech?We commonly use “you” when it would be more powerful to use “I”. Here is an example: “You know when you talk too loud, people tend to step away from you.” As compared to owning the experience and saying “I notice when I talk too loud, people tend to step away from me.”
The difference becomes greater the more important or emotionally impactful the message. Example: “It is really difficult when you have to lay off a long time team member due to budget cuts.” Compare that with “It is really difficult when I have to lay off a long term team member due to budget cuts.”
Shifting to “I” words means breaking cultural patterns. We are pretty used to talking in the second person and it depersonalizes our experience in a way that feels safer. Would you rather be safer or more impactful? If you really want to lessen the impact of your message, use the reflexive or passive tense. One finds it really difficult when one has to… (reflexive) or, it is difficult when layoffs are necessary. (passive). Each step further from the I statement takes away the power and the responsibility from the language we use.
If you are willing to play with this, a first step would be to catch yourself and your team using “you” when “I” would be more powerful. Perhaps, you can make it a group game. Or just play the game with yourself and see if you feel not just awkward (likely at first) but also a little more powerful.
Next week, “we” will talk about using “we” – the royal we – when “we” speak for all.
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Picture of Bogie meeting a sculpture in Anza Borrego desert, CA.